Princess Smack Down

I can empathize with my daughter. I was part of a household where the gender ratio was tilted heavily toward the female side. But, if it bothered me at the time, I can't say. It probably did. There is only so much of Barbies, clothes, make-up, shoes, & periods that a young man can take. Baseball and seclusion in my room must have been my coping behavior. My daughter is much less ambivalent. She does tire of superhero  and video game talk and she isn't afraid to let the boys know that.

The train ride from Florida to Virginia is a long one. That evening as we sat in the lounge car, she put her foot down, and said, enough of the Avengers talk. With that, my job was to find a topic that all the kids could enjoy. The answer, naturally, was ass kicking princesses.


The basic question was: Who is the toughest Disney princess?  We were in the Disney zone. A flurry of Disney movies prior to our trip, a week at the Disney parks, and ALL that talk of ALL things Disney had us primed. Everyone had an opinion. All yelling at once. I had to go all Voltaire on them. If you're going to discuss this, you have to define your terms!

First, who qualifies as a princess? Belle, Snow White, Ariel..they are obvious. Mulan? Pocohontas? Not exactly royalty and their status doesn't seem so clear. The official Disney Princess Website said they were. That is an official source, so with that, those being considered were Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, & Merida. That part was easy.

Then, we had to decide, what is tough? There was much arguing, yelling, and movie quotes were flyin'. Taking various examples, we narrowed it down to four categories. Physical toughness, mental toughness, intelligence, & bravery. Most of these seem self-explanatory. Although, just to be clear, by mental toughness, we decided, would include traits like determination, confidence, and defiance.

The bottom of the list was pretty easy for everyone. Sorry, early princesses, it's not that you're weak. You were just drawn that way. 

11. Aurora

10. Snow White

9. Cinderella

8. Ariel

These princesses had great stories. Challenging stories. And those bottom three were workers, boy. They weren't afraid to get in there and get their hands dirty. Literally. Aurora lived in a cabin in the woods with three old ladies. That is a lot of wood chopping, cleaning, and beating your clothes clean with a rock down in the icy water in the creek. And don't tell me she wasn't angry when she realized she'd been wiping with leaves all those years while her three old room mates had magic wands packed away.

Snow White was raised as a princess, but knew how to shape up the dwarf's cabin. Woodland creatures didn't do ALL the work.

Cinderella, too had to work her way through life, until the big day. But when it came to the turmoil of these princesses lives, stuff happened TO them. They were batted around by fate and were subject to the actions of hunters, maniacal dragons, and prince charmings.

 Ariel got a little bump by signing on with the Sea Witch. Gutsy, but even that, though, was throwing herself to the whims of fate. All she did was sign her name. But Ariel got some props for maneuvering the human world, moving her up to #8.

 

 The next two...

7. Pocohontas
6. Jasmine

...are tough because there isn't much to go on.  Both were raised as princesses. Not exactly hard lives. Pocohontas had to be outdoorsy, and fearlessly jumped over a waterfall, so that moved her ahead of some.

And with Jasmine, it is hard to look tough when your outfit is a tube top and parachute pants. But there are bad ass points to be gained when your best friend is a tiger. And pole vaulting between buildings is a hint that she has some athletic skills.

 

 

 5. Rapunzel
 4. Tiana

This is the point where there were differences of opinion, but in reality, is probably a toss up. Rapunzel had been locked in a tower, yes. But still, she didn't have hard times. Athletically, Rapunzel has skills. Using her hair to pull her evil "mother" up the tower had to be build up her core, big time. Hooking up with a wanted criminal, then crashing a bar full of thugs & ruffians with a frying pan as her only weapon, Rapunzel did pretty good.

Tiana had a harder life. She knew the cards were stacked against her and she fought it out anyway. Like Rapunzel, Tiana had a dream and she worked long, long hours to make it happen.  Ignoring peer pressure, defying racial bias, and using her street smarts put Tiana toward the top. And besides that, she kissed a damn frog! That nasty! But it helped ger her to #4.

3. Belle

Sure, Belle looks all girly, but there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. Hanging outside the social norms of her town, willingly taking the place of her father in a prison guarded by a huge scary beast, and fighting off a pack of wolves shows her moxie. Belle even took on an angry mob with her aging father and a chipped, talking tea cup for back-up. She's got guts. And she's my favorite. I can't believe I left her as low as #3.

The top two were the easiest. You can't really fight these two. Literally and figuratively.

2. Merida

Merida is a princess. Her mother would really like her to act like one. But she doesn't want to. It just isn't her. Merida isn't just a tomboy. She beat the best soldiers in the kingdom in the bow & arrow competition. And can hit just about anything with an arrow riding a horse full speed.  She is a skilled horseman and a cracker jack archer. When she was pissed at her mother she got a spell to turn her into a bear, then was devastated that she'd done such a thing. So, Merida had that touch of mental imbalance that makes her someone you don't want to mess with. That girl is craaaaaazy! But she comes in at #2.

 

Finally, #1 is Mulan.

 

This Chinese firecracker has a history that is similar to Merida. From a well off family, Mulan's mother tries to make this girl into the ideal Chinese young lady, but fails miserably. Then despite China's rigid gender roles, when the time comes to step up and stand in for her ailing father, Mulan defies her family, culture, & her place by going to battle for him.

 

 

Technically, Ariel did the same, but Mulan endured, and succeeded, in a medieval Chinese boot camp, went off to war, and could have gotten the ancient Chinese equivalent of a purple heart for her wounds in battle. Once you kick the Hun's buns, you're king of the mountain.

 

 

This list was in no way meant to disparage any princesses. I'm a believer in multiple intelligences. Everybody is good at something.  Snow White is in tune with nature. Pocohontas has got some existential groove going on. And Cinderella can really work a crowd. But if there is going to be a rumble, some little neighborhood smack down, then Mulan is your gal.

 

Please leave a comment. Tell me, who is your choice for toughest princess?