Steps to a More Manly Thom

One of my favorite stories about myself comes from my time working at a law firm in Syracuse. Two female attorneys got on the elevator with me. One literally hiked up her skirt and began adjusting her panty hose. The other whacked her arm and gestured to me. Ms. Upskirt blew it off. “It’s just Thom.”  She finished her business, ironed out her skirt with her hands just as the doors opened on the first floor, and walked off.

So maybe I should have seen this coming. But I didn't.

I tend to think a lot of myself because, well…I’m me. So, when a single woman I know expressed her disappointment that I had no brothers and said, “I’d love to marry someone like you” I was quite flattered.  Self esteem points to spare!

But just a short breath later she says, “I’d like to have a nice gay man around to do my laundry and cuddle when I need it.”

Self esteem points gone.

Now, I don’t want to disparage anyone’s God given sexual orientation.  I’m not insulted that she’d say that. But I am just as aghast as some gay man might be if a female friend compared him to a 46 year old, overweight, heterosexual.  I don’t fit any of the gay criteria made famous in a Seinfeld episode 20 years ago. I’m not neat, thin, or single. So, what kind of vibe am I giving off?

Sure, I forgo a lot of going out because I spend time with my family. I do laundry. I love my yoga. The women at work do sometimes feel comfortable enough around me to refer to me as "one of the girls." That can't help. It appears that maybe I don't do enough manly things.

But that isn't true, I tell you! I do manly stuff. Why just the other day at Wegman's some fine looking ladies on this magazine cover caught my eye and I went over to take a look. Have you seen the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue this year? Well it was there, right next to this magazine with Erin Burnett and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand on the cover. A little more brains and a little more clothes than the SI cover, but I was checking out women, anyway.

Maybe she's right. I guess I should do more to project myself as a 21st Century heterosexual male. A little brainstorming and I've come up with a some changes that can move me in that direction.

1. More insensitivity  and obliviousness to women's feelings.

2. Flee the room at any mention of menstruation, feminine hygiene, or even the word 'period', even if it is a discussion of punctuation. You can't be too safe.

3. Play golf.....NOT PUTT-PUTT!

4. Understand and talk at length on the intricacies of a football offense.

5. Spend more time outdoors with no shirt, oblivious to the fact that no one wants to see my nipples.

6. Continue with my current clothing choices.

7. Have a deep fascination with any conversation involving cars, grilling, or lawn mowers.

8. Get a barbed wire tattoo around my massive biceps.

9. Call time spent with my own children 'babysitting'.

     Last but not least....

10. Less showers, more cologne!

Yeesh. None of those choices really appeal to me. I guess I'll be happy with the way I am. I'll hang out with women. They smell better than men anyway. And a minivan is way better than a red sports car as a symbol of my manhood.

 I really don't have time for this. I have laundry to do.